I only ever liked holding hands with my father.
I never call him father and the word is foreign- saying it now feels cruel
Like reducing my world into ash.

I Still call my Dad Daddy.
Still work my fingers into his, even now,
Even though I’m not much a fan of my boyfriend’s hands somehow.

I never cared for PDA,
But I never said no to hugging my Daddy-
Maybe because he gave me room to always say no to everyone else,
All the hands that reach for you when you father is so incredibly memorable
And objectively wonderful
And they think they love you by extension
Even now.

I still fear breaking my father’s heart,
Tearing both of our hearts apart
Being unchained.

I am his favorite.
You’re not supposed to admit that, but Daddy is a brutally honest man
And it’s true.

My Daddy is the biggest man in the world-
With hair longer than I am tall
And a heart bigger than I am wide,
Even when I am on the thicker side
He smells like activity-
The hands of a working man.
And his voice is booming- it takes up more space than he does even
But he softens for us.

When I think of getting married one day,
I worry that I won’t ever find a husband who is so perfect,
Who is disciplined as he is, and gentle with dominance in his voice
How can there be another man who can carry me without breaking a sweat?
Who can mold rational thought and emotional concern into a single word
And you can feel it….

My Daddy has the same issue,
He can’t seem to find someone to love him the way that he loves them.
This is our inheritance it seems,
To be chained in some manner,
Our hearts too big
Our mouths blunt edges
And no one can see past our beauty.

if no one else sees it- beyond the admirers I grew up thinking would steal you away from me-
Know that I see you
A bass guitar and booming laughter
Pencil marks on all your fingertips
Presence beyond your body,
Something ethereal.

I could never believe in God
Because I knew you-
A father without capacity to cause harm
Who buries every injury in his heart,
Who would sooner absorb evil than let it touch us.

I’m telling you my Daddy is greater than your Father.
I’m telling you my Daddy is the whole universe.
I’m telling you, it’s unfair-
But if you cannot exceed what he is-
That I cannot equal what he is-
That I know time will never make another-
That a man can only ever be second to him.

I can’t see beyond the universe he has set before me.
I haven’t even the heart to try.

I don’t like holding hands with anyone, really-

Can’t connect to anyone the way others seem to-

But I do love,

I can love,

With a heart bigger than anyone’s-

Except my Dad


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