Carbon

I am learning now that screams are chills up or down the spine actualized with sound we all can’t make.

I am seeing now that there are moments we reach for others when we should wait.. see who reaches for us

I am learning I am too often screaming in silence, reaching out for someone to tell them, to beg them bare witness to my fears, afraid they won’t notice me without hands outstretched.

I am learning now there are more than 2 paths I can take, that options are more plentiful than this or that and yet all can be equally nauseating.

I am seeing now that sometimes you get on your knees to beg for someone else to make a choice for you.

I am learning I am a coward, living my heart in wishes and dreams and pretending this will give life to my reality. I am watching myself refuse to try out of fear of fantasy realized.

I am learning now that shadows are not almosts or might have beens, they are scorch marks on souls of choices we made that follow us, that remind us we are imperfect, we are too much we are too little we are too weak we push too hard we frighten too easy we chase away love we fly too close to the sun.

I am seeing now that people are made of carbon like sand is, like bombs are like air is. That hearts are made of backwards knobs of doors, that hands are claws of birds, that breasts are not peaks, but valleys to lie in, that feet are glass in the sand after lightning.

I am learning that I am only two steps from the dreams I harbor under covers into ears of lovers, painted on the walls of my existence, molding my face into temples, body made of carbon like air like fire, like trees like lava. But I am also only two steps from the nightmares I know, the fear of hands of steel, of cast iron emptiness, of marauders of people, of death by soulessness.

I am learning now that babies, like humans, cry both out of necessity and desire to hear themselves outside of their own heads. A person’s need to exist for everyone else too, to be seen as more than the parts and pieces and curves and lines of their form, to have a voice against the black walls, the sea shores, a wish to swim among the sharks and ride dolphins and have our smiles blanketed across the planet like a mark that we existed.

I am seeing now that people are made of dreams, like ridges on a cliff, or burrs on a porcupine, like blue in the sky, life in the oceans, moisture in clouds. That dreams are what motivates legs and arms to move, to push forward, that encourages hearts to love, children to dream of what life is like as a grown up, parents to push children into ballet, or basketball or baseball or piano.

I am learning that the emptiness I sometimes feel is a lack of dreams I believe in. The space between the things I want and my faith in myself to accomplish them, a gap of fear that leaves me with space between my head and arms and legs that don’t know why they must move, why they must take me forward when it seems I don’t even know how to get there.

I am learning now it is simpler to be silent, to fade into the black walls of the boxes we live in. That there are no lines drawn in the sand one is bound to respect, that fears are chains that bind us, that let us run treadmills and never see what is in the world surrounding us.

I am seeing now that elephants never forget the chains they bore as babies because souls can be broken, because spirits are not impossible creatures, they are us. They are glimpses of reality laid bare in a form we fantasize. They are elephant babies chained to walls, that fight to escape until strings can keep them, until they forget they are elephants at all.

I have learned that humans are made of carbon. Like lions, like zebras, like killer whales, like mountains, like lava, like fire, like air. Haunted by the recycled existences we carry like burdens of dreams on backs of slaves chained in the mud.

But most importantly, I have come to know that what is broken can never be the same but the world does not create waste. Souls can be molded to new dreams, voices can grow louder, sometimes even oceans scream for comfort against salty shores because everything is made of carbon, because dreams and nightmares are made of carbon too.

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